There was going to be an entry here about the amazing person my (grand)father was, but I don't feel like it wants to be written. Maybe because I don't need the catharsis, maybe because a lot of people did a lot for me without even realizing it today, or realizing how hard this day was for me, but probably because there is no way I could every accurately tell how amazing and awesome he was, and how he is the most amazing man I've ever known, and there isn't even a close second. He and I have far more in common than I think either of us realized when he was alive, and no one but my grandmother realizes now. That's just as well.

And also, I went to the Eucharist today at church. It's interesting how today (and other days that are similar) it both undoes me, and makes me feel better, at the same time. And coffee with all the old(er) ladies afterwards was fun. I'm beginning to wish I weren't getting a full-time job, because I won't be able to go to the daily services, just the weekends.

Wow, it's been quite a while since I updated, like, a whole week. It's been slightly hectic, and not as productive as I would have like for it to be. Hopefully this week will be better. Well, it has to be more productive, considering I have to be out of my apartment by 2pm on Saturday. And this promises to be a fairly hard week emotionally, especially Thursday. Thursday is the fourth anniversary of my grandfather's death, and that will probably warrant its own entry. I can't week for this week to be over.

I got a really good night of sleep last night, even though I didn't get that much of it. This weekend I helped with the youth group lock-in, and I spent the night on the couch in the youth room. The couch was more comfortable than my bed at my apartment, and it got me to wondering. Wondering because every bed I've ever slept on at church, church camp, or the like (even the floor at prov was not bad, and seriously, not more uncomfortable than my bed) has always given me a great night's sleep. So it made me wonder whether it's the bed or the environment that's giving me such a good night's sleep. Especially because I rarely get a full night's length of sleep at any of these places. Maybe it's sleeping in/near God's house that lets me rest, and lets me get caught up, and just gives me a sense of peace when I wake up. Next time I get way too stressed out, and it's starting to make me sick, I'm finding a reason to sleep at church. Or maybe I should just go be a nun...

Sometimes I wonder how far I'm drifting from my family. I was already so different from them, but now I wonder if that difference is creating a divide, or if it's distance that's creating this divide. Maybe if I was more concerned about being like everyone else, a little more materialistic, more about superficial concerns like homecoming court or class favorite. But of course this divide is in large part my creation.

Maybe if they (especially my aunt and uncle) hadn't spent so much of my life judging me for the small things, like my refusal to wear make-up, my offbeat sense of fashion, and my preference for reading over football.

Well, you know what, I'm happy with the beauty God gave me. Notice that I also still have slightly crooked teeth. I wear what I feel comfortable wearing and to hell if someone has a problem with it. Wearing long sleeves (loose, flowy, long sleeves) in the summer does not mean I'm on drugs. It means that I don't want to get sunburned any more than I already am. And I'm [not] sorry, but football is not my sport. Reading instead of watching the superbowl does not make me anti-social. It makes me an avid reader instead of a football fan.

But with that much judgement over what I consider to be relatively small things, what am I supposed to do but distance myself, and create a divide because there are other, bigger parts of my life to judge, that actually have a little more basis for judgement. They say I should trust them more, however, I don't think they've done a thing to deserve my trust. You want me to trust you with details of my life? You don't go around judging everything about it. That's a really good way to make sure I never tell you anything, and look, it's worked.

That being said, I miss my grandmother, and I want to be able to tell her everything, but I'm not sure how it would go over. I do know though, that I definitely want to tell her in person, and not over the phone. I have a three week break from school coming up, I'm seriously considering asking if I can come out to talk to her, or if she really wants to wait until Christmas to see me. Of course, Christmas dinner could be a really fun way to tell her. Not. But she also has to get my sister ready for college, and the last thing I want to do is add more stress to her life right now.

And now I'm single again...on the plus side, I'll have more time, but on the down side, it's making me wonder if I'm willing to go back to who I used to be in a small way. No way I would ever go back to quite who I was, even if I wanted to, I'm not sure I could, but, well, it did have its advantages in certain areas.

This is the longest it's been since I've been to a church service in a fair amount of time. I'm not really sure how I feel about that, because on the one hand I've been really busy with other things, and it's not like I've missed a Sunday service, but on the other hand, I miss going to church in the middle of the week. And next week is going to be at least as busy as this week during the times that count. Thank goodness for church tomorrow.

This was a great weekend. A lot of work, and I was completely exhausted by Monday (especially considering the "sleepover" on Sunday night) but I would so do it all again. I also love Benadryl cream. It's amazing, provided you put it on while the rash is still new enough. I had forgotten how painting with latex paint doesn't mix well with a bad allergy to latex. But it wasn't too bad after the cream. And I think I have discovered a new hobby to watch, since I would never set out to do it myself. Writing in the street with lighter fluid, and then setting it on fire. It looks so cool, but being slightly pyrophobic (I'm way way better than I used to be) I would never actually do it myself. I will however cheer from the sidelines. The migraine on Monday was not so fun, but I managed to sleep it down to a headache before it got worse (it was bad enough I went home from work two and a half hours early, which if you know me and work, is a big deal) and now it's gone, and I'm caught up on sleep.

Maybe it's not all about the sun. I mean I love the sun and everything, but the storms are important too. Yes, the storms always lose to the sun. But because they hide the sun, they make us realize the importance and beauty of the sun. Storms also bring rainbows, and the refreshing air afterwards. Without the contrast of the storm, we wouldn't appreciate the sun near as much.

By the way, it still kinda get me every time I realize I'm two decades old.

I forgot how much times relationships take. And how sleep-deprived you get. And how much time you spend on the phone/texting.

But that in no way means that they are bad. I mean sure there are bad relationships, but relationships themselves aren't bad. Especially when you really do like the person you're in it with, and they like you back equally, and you're neither one wanting it to go at a different pace.

So yes, I'm in a relationship, and yes, I'm enjoying it. Tired as I may be.