I'm resisting the urge to chop off my hair again. I know I'll regret it afterwards. It's not worth it. There isn't anything to chop off.

I need a break from Utah. Or maybe to go hiking up the trail that's in the Avenues, or the Shoreline trail this weekend. Maybe we'll try that, and I'll put my photo essay together from that.

I'm running awfully short on time to register for summer semester. This is beginning to worry me.

I have insomnia combined with an extreme urge to bake. I know exactly what that means. But it's not something I want to consider an option. I have my life plans. This doesn't fit. But the puzzle doesn't have to go together perfectly. Life is art, not science.

I feel as if I'm out of the loop with all things gay lately.

I think I need to start going to morning prayer, or at least Saturday evening services. And maybe start going to centering prayer again.

Really though, I'm not in any way unhappy. I love how things are going right now.

I need to do something with my life. I mean other than what I'm currently doing. Yes teaching preschool is a valid career path, but it's not getting what I want out of my life for me. I want to do something for the world. I want to change the world. I want to be who I am and stand for what I believe, in all aspects of me, not just the pick and choose I seem to have to do now.

What is there that I can do with my life to make the world a better place?

I really really need to graduate so I can get on with life. Maybe this will move to consideration numero uno. I wonder how my family will feel when I graduate and don't tell them. hmmm... But as they haven't helped me pay for it, it's not like I'm obligated to walk across the stage for them. I did that once, I have no need to do it again.

Interesting how I'm being both more centered on the world around me, and at the same time taking more of what I want into consideration when deciding things.

So as much as I'm one of the only people at work willing to deal with Beanie's mommy Judi on a daily basis, sometimes she says things that just really get me. Actually, my opinion of Judi is kind of two-fold, because on the one hand she is definitely overprotective and concerned, and basically there's just too much estrogen in that house not being leveled out, but on the other hand, I can totally see that I'm going to be really similar when I have kids. So interacting with her is like interacting with a slightly obnoxious version of my future self.

Back to the topic. So apparently it's my fault Bean caught the terrible stomach flu or whatever it was. Judi loves me other than this one incident...I think...but her reaction to this one is in my opinion a little out of proportion. Though I think making sure to save Bean's chestnut everyday from when we go on a walk definitely helps my case. She's my little Beanie-baby and I'm not going to let anything happen to her, so why on earth I would let her get sick is beyond me.

I don't think I've ever been so happy to see mommy Jennifer in my life. She's much more agreeable. Or less loud about being disagreeable.

At least the getting sick thing made them forget about the spoiled little brat thing.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Because I need a life other than work. and church.

Oh school. I so need to get some things figured out for this summer and then fall. Figuring out how I'm paying tuition and quitting my job is going to take some finesse. That's for sure.

i think i'm in over my head.

[conversation here]

yep. something like that.

i'm so going to hell. but it's okay.

insert confusion.

and the indigo girls are coming to salt lake.

utah was definitely the right choice for me.

to think of how happy i am now, i'm glad i made it through high school.

i should text jan sometime.

and i could desperately use a melissa conversation.

once i'm done in utah, i wonder where i'll end up.

And hooray for an awesome board game night on Tuesday. I love board games. Anyone want to play? I have a fairly significant collection of them.

Not having internet or TV at home anymore is giving me a whole new perspective on life. Such as how much time I was wasting, and how much more productive I could be, potentially. Though I would be more productive if I were at home sorting through my stuff and not sitting at a coffee shop using the internet. However, I am now limited by the hours I can use the internet, and how often, and such. And also how much coffee/chai I'm willing to buy. Unfortunately though, I have a bit of a weakness for good chai.

I'm looking forward to this summer lots and lots. If only it would hurry up and get here.

Oh, and if anyone wants a job in childcare, I think we're probably hiring.

I love Holy Week.

So this happened a few weeks ago. Well, ish, it was March 31st. I decided to do the slightly crazy thing of making rainbow cupcakes with my two-year-olds. It was an adventure for the taste-buds, that's for sure. I decided to use the soda method, and also color them with kool-aid, instead of food coloring. I thought the different flavor for each color would be fun. My kids thought it was a blast, so here's the recipe:
1 box white cake mix
1 bottle Jones cream soda
6 packets of kool-aid (strawberry, orange, lemonade, lemon-lime, blue raspberry, and grape)

Mix the soda and the cake mix, and stir until mixed. Divide the batter into six bowls, add one packet of kool-aid to each, except grape, and you only need about half of that, and mix to color. Spoon into cupcake liners, and bake at 350F for 20 minutes or so. They will be sour (kind of like sweet tart candies actually), brightly colored, and sort of sticky, in a very moist way, not an undercooked way. They also smell amazing when baking (according to the 3yo teachers anyways, the kitchen is on their half of the preschool).

I'm totally thinking about making some rainbow cupcakes or a whole rainbow cake maybe, for Pride, or some other such gay occasion. Or for the next party I have for kids, as they seem to like the sour thing. I also think that if I diluted the koolaid over large batches of cake mix, that you could taste more of the flavors. It would totally be awesomeness.


In the rest of my life, I'm rethinking the single thing. And also have set a goal for at least two hours outside everyday in nice weather. This includes both at work, and going to the park and reading or walking or some such activity, so that I'm not such an indoorsy girl, so that when major outdoor events do happen, the sun doesn't get me quite as badly. Events like the Salt Lake Arts Festival, Living Traditions, Farmers' Market, and Pride, among others. I'm also aiming for a solid B in my class this summer. I would aim for an A, but I like to have realistic goals.

I need a job that does more for society. Unfortunately, I also need a job that pays more than my current one. I do not see these two things colliding nicely. So I'll continue with my current job, at least as long as Sabine is there. So in the fall, I may be looking for yet another job. Though my current one is at least better than it used to be, now that that group of boys is no longer in my class.

I think I'm going to go buy some dried cherries now, because that sounds ridiculously good. Yum yum yum. Hooray for baby-sitting getting me the money I need for food this month. Have faith and God will provide. It's worked so far, I've managed to keep having faith, and I've yet to go without anything I need. Sure, I've had to give up lots of things I've wanted over time, but never anything I actually needed. Which may be why I'm sleeping on the floor.

I kind of wish blogger had one of those current mood spaces, because mine would totally say happy/excited. I am so looking forward to board games in a week. Anyone want to play before then? I'm up for it, just call.

Iowa has given me hope. Hope that someday Utah may catch up with the 21st century and change their laws. Should Utah do that, then I won't have to decide. This makes me ridiculously happy. I recently had a dream about what my life would have been like/would be like if Xavier and I got married. I'd be done with college, starting a career, and beginning to look at adopting kids (because he and I would obviously not be creating one) and possibly getting a nursery ready. I would be going to church on Sundays, but probably wouldn't be as active as I am now, and would almost certainly not be thinking about possibly being a priest someday. This is almost everything I want in life, or would have wanted, had I not gotten to where I am now. To make it slightly harder on me, he still says that if he knew I'd say yes, he'd propose. Though finding someone to marry us might be difficult because a Catholic priest would likely be opposed to my not being Catholic, and an Episcopal priest would likely be opposed to the whole both being gay thing. But it would definitely make both of our families happy.

Point: I am not currently considering with any seriousness saying yes.

But that's not where I am anymore. Had we not both left Lubbock, then yes, that's where I'd probably be. But we did. I changed, and have decided that there are some things I am unwilling to give up in my current life, even for everything I used to think I wanted. At least I discovered this before saying yes.


And in great excitement: Holy Week is soon to be upon us. Hooray!! I'm excited for the end of Lent. Though I fully plan to keep on with my lenten discipline, of keeping up with my prayers, and the people on my prayer list.

So while this weekend was definitely not the greatest of my life, it was in the top three. National Gathering, and last year's Prov VIII gathering take the top two places. But this weekend went much much better than I had thought it would in every way possible.

Socially, I made lots of new friends, and hung out with lots of amazing people, and went out drinking for the first time. Though to be fair, before someone calls me on it, I only drank about half of a vodka and cranberry before getting water. I also got to catch up with lots of old friends that I haven't seen in a while. Some since Gather, and some since last year. It was great to see them all again.

Spiritually, while this weekend didn't affect me at all in the way that last year's absolutely amazing Saturday evening service did (with major props to Canon Robin) for my soul, it did help me realize a number of things. One is that I am a lot more high church oriented than I thought I was. [Interjection: Power points and projectors are NOT, I repeat NOT, in my liturgical tradition] And I believe on the matter of "alternative liturgies" my friend Eric put it as I would have, had he not done it first:
"Rejecting the BCP, using barfy crayon-colored stoles and/or not vesting properly sends a message to young adults: "You are not the Church. You need special liturgies, and special vestments. You are outside the realm of Common Prayer. Go sit at the children's Table." And people wonder why we don't have more young adults?"

And for those people who have been somewhat keeping up with my side of how I feel about Caroline, I have much to say, but to keep it brief, she doesn't feel the same about me (which I kind of knew) and that I am not only okay with it, I actually am rather happy about it. And also, that after spending as much time with her as I did this weekend, I'm not so sure I actually feel that way about her anymore anyways. Spending time with her I got to know her better, and while as a result I am still convinced she is an amazing person, and someone I definitely want as a friend, I don't think she's what I'm looking for in a relationship. (fact that I'm actively staying single notwithstanding)

But how I felt about her definitely brought me back to reality in a sense, and that won't be forgotten, even with how I currently feel about her, and what I'm doing with my life, and what I have planned for my future. If only my future allowed for everything I want, not just those things I'm fairly certain I can't live without, while having to give up things I would rather not have to live without. Sometimes I get really really fed up with having to choose, and make these decisions. It will be interesting to see where this one leads me.

And while I'm tempted to say I feel as if I should seek advice from a priest, I already talked to one (not Robin) and she in what I have come to decide is just how priests are, just wished me good luck and prayers with my future.